FLAUBERT'S GREATEST HITS

My selection from Flaubert's Dictionary Of Received Ideas, his satirical poke at foolish attitudes among the French bourgeoisie of the 1870s - though, it might be agreed, some possess a sly truth of their own.


ALABASTER - Serves to describe the loveliest parts of the woman's body.

ARCHITECTS - All imbeciles. Always forget to include the household staircase.

ARMY IRREGULAR - More terrifying than the enemy.

ART - Leads to the poorhouse. What's the use of it, since we're replacing it with machines that do it better and work faster?

BASILICA - Pompous synonym for church. Is always imposing.

BATHING COSTUME - Very exciting.

BLONDES - Looser than brunettes (See BRUNETTES)

BOOK - Whatever it is, always too long.

BRUNETTES - Looser than blondes (See BLONDES)

BUTCHERS - Are terrible in times of revolution.

CATHOLICISM - Has had a most favourable influence on the arts.

CELEBRITIES - Concern oneself with every detail of their private lives, in order to be able to denigrate them.

CENSORSHIP - Has its uses, say what you will.

CLARINET - Playing one causes blindness. Example: all blind people play the clarinet.

CLOAK - Always the same colour as the wall for gallant escapes.

CLOGS - A wealthy man of humble origins always came to Paris in a pair of clogs.

CONGREGATIONALIST - Knight of Onan.

CONVICTS - Always have a ruffian look. All of them very clever with their hands. In the prison colonies they are men of genius.

CRUCIFIX - Looks good in an alcove or beside the guillotine.

CRUSADES - Were beneficial to Venetian trade.

CURLS - Do not suit men.

DESERT - Produces dates.

EMIGRANTS - Earned their living giving guitar lessons and making salads.

ENGLISH WOMEN - Express surprise that they should produce attractive children.

EPISTOLARY - Literary style exclusively reserved to women.

ETRUSCAN - All ancient vases are Etruscan.

GAME PIE - Always made of cat meat.

GARRET - How happily one lives at twenty!

GENIUS - No need to admire it, it's a "neurosis".

GERMANY - Always preceded by blonde, dreaming. But what military organization!

GORDIAN KNOT - Something to do with Antiquity. (Ancient people's way of tying their cravat.)

HERRING - The wealth of Holland.

HIDES - All animal hides come from Russia.

HORIZONS - Find them beautiful in nature and dim in politics.

HUNCHBACKS - Possess great wit. Much sought after by lascivious women.

HYDROTHERAPY - Cures and causes all diseases.

ILLUSIONS - Pretend to have many, complain about having lost them.

IMBROGLIO - What all pieces of theatre are really about.

IMPERIALISTS - All honest, polite, distinguished people.

INDIA RUBBER - Is made from a horse's scrotum.

INDOLENCE - Consequence of living in hot countries.

INFINITESIMAL - One does not know what it is, but it is connected to homeopathy.

ITALIANS - All musicians. All traitors.

JAPAN - Everything there is made of porcelain.

JESUITS - Have a hand in all revolutions. Nobody realises how numerous they are.

LACONISM - A language that is no longer spoken.

LAURELS - Prevent one from sleeping.

LITERATURE - Occupation of the idle.

MACKINTOSH - Scottish philosopher. Inventor of rubber.

MALDOLIN - Indispensable in the seduction of Spanish women.

MARTYRS - All early Christians were martyrs.

MEDICAL STUDENTS - Sleep next to corpses. Some even eat them.

MERCURY - Kills the disease and the patient.

METALLURGY - Very fashionable.

METAPHORS - There are always too many in an author's style.

MILK -Dissolves oysters. Attracts snakes. Whitens the skin; some ladies in Paris take a milk bath every morning.

MINUTE - One has no idea how long a minute can last.

MISSIONARIES - Are all eaten or crucified.

OBSCENITY - All scientific words derived from Greek or Latin conceal an obscenity.

PHOENIX - Good name for a fire insurance company.

POLITICAL ECONOMY - Gutless science.

PUBLICITY - Source of wealth.

PYRAMID - Useless undertaking.

QUESTION - To ask it is to answer it.

RELATIVES - Always unpleasant. Conceal those who are not rich.

RHYME - Never accords with reason.

RUINS - Make one dream and lend poetry to a landscape.

SABRE - The French want to be governed by a sabre.

SNEEZING: It is a witticism to say: Russian and Polish are not spoken, they are sneezed.

STUDENT: All wear a red beret, baggy trousers, smoke a pipe in the street, and do not work.

SUMMER: Always exceptional (see WINTER).

SYPHILIS - To some extent or other, everyone has it.

TOILETTE (of ladies) - Troubles the imagination.

TOYS - Should all be scientific.

TROUBADOUR - Fine motif for an ornamental clock.

WINDMILL - Looks good in a landscape.

WINTER: Always exceptional (See SUMMER).