DOMESTIC CONTRADICTIONS: CAT V DOG by Larry Buttrose

 I realise it is profoundly foolhardy to wade into this, it being among the oldest contested territory known to humanity. But what are long weekends for if not stupidity?

** Interest declared. Our family recently took delivery of a nice pedigreed puppy. The kind that everyone's first question on seeing it is "oooh, so cute, what breed is it?" As a lifelong cat lover, this has led to some challenging introspection, leavened only by re-reading that grand farce "A Confederacy of Dunces". 

** These are my opinions only. No other person or organisation can be blamed for them. Just me.**

CAT V DOG: THE FACTS

The Nice Part

Favourite Authors

CAT: Virginia Woolf, Oscar Wilde, T.S. Eliot, Joan Didion.

DOG: Ayn Rand, Dale Carnegie, Jack London

Favourite Music

CAT: Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Philip Glass, Pink Floyd

DOG: AC/DC, Kenny Loggins, The Wiggles

Favourite Screen

CAT: The Life of Pi, Born Free, Cat Ballou, Cats! (LOL) 

DOG: Red Dog, Bluey, 101 Dalmatians, A Dog's Journey, Reservoir Dogs

Nature

CAT:  Noble, independent, may be misinterpreted as aloof

DOG: Loyal, may be misinterpreted at servile

Demeanour

CAT:  Cool

DOG: Waggy Daggy

Presentation

CAT: Elegant

DOG: Cute

Eating

CAT:  Food

DOG:  Anything 

Drinking

CAT: Champagne

DOG: Fourex

Sounds

CAT: Purr, purr, purr, the occasional yowl, screeches during mating

DOG: Yap, yap, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

Shit

CAT:   Discreetly buried

DOG:  Anywhere and left

Piss

CAT: Pungent

DOG: Pungent

** Toss-up which is worse

Affection with humans

CAT:  Reciprocal

DOG:  Salival

The Not So Nice Part

Threat to Australian Native Wildlife

CAT: Extreme. Cats should only ideally be allowed in inner and middle suburbs of major cities only and banned from city fringes unless owners make a written legally binding undertaking to keep them indoors at night. All cat owners should be licensed and have to respond annually to the wherabouts of their cat. Dumping of cats on city perimeters should be a serious offence. There should be a concerted national campaign to exterminate feral cats (as well as goats, rabbits and other pests).

DOG: Serious. Dogs are known to frighten, chase and attack native wildlife but are not considered to constitute the risk level of cats. Feral dogs are thought to be very few in number. There should be background checks on anyone who wishes to own an attack dog or mastiff and a licensing system requiring annual updates.